I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
