I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
