Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
