lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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