I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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