That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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