i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
