i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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