Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
