I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
