ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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