So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Randomize
