Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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