I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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