Plan B is the new Plan A
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
