Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
try to milk me bitch
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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