Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Randomize
