somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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