I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Randomize
