You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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