Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
