Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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