i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
