Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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