well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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