I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Randomize
