I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
