I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Randomize
