Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
