Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
