I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
