So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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