dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
