I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
