I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
