you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
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I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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