I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Randomize
