Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
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