I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
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