3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
