all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
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My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
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What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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