we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
