you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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