Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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