I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
