I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
