just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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