I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
