Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Someone shattered a urinal.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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