Your mouth is God's brothel.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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