So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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