____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
