why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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