Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
